Models for Balancing Hospitality, Work, and Life
For folks who live and work onsite at retreat centers, it can be a real challenge to balance the personal and the professional—to be responsive to the needs of the self as well as to the needs of the center. Without organizational supports and guidelines to help draw healthy boundaries, onsite staff may face difficulties like burnout, depression, and interpersonal conflict.
In response to community questions on this topic, RCC invited a panel of speakers representing seven centers to share from their experiences on the difficulties of living where you work, establishing personal space, and what they’re learning along the way. Jamie Deering, director of programs ministry at Franciscan Sisters of Little Falls, facilitated this panel discussion and Q&A.
View the full meeting video by clicking the image above.
Or scroll down for takeaways from the conversation.
Living in Community
It can be easy to assume that “new monastic” or other forms of retreat center community life will be smooth sailing because of the shared commitments of those involved, but humans are messy and complicated! Living where you work can be complex.
It’s important for retreat centers to communicate their values and expectations to new potential residents, and to be upfront about the challenges of living onsite. A supportive culture starts with communication and transparency.
“The community is not some utopian ideal, it’s the guts, the nitty gritty, the human ego living together. There are constant ups and downs, personally and collectively. “
Living Onsite - What to Expect
Potential residents need to know there are challenges that come hand-in-hand with living and working at a retreat center. The nature of those challenges will vary depending on the center, but could involve having to share bathrooms and kitchen space, not being able to have pets, limited ability to invite friends/family onsite to socialize, and the increased potential for work tasks to bleed over into personal time.
Before a resident moves in, they should know:
Living onsite is not the same as going on retreat - Invite open conversations with potential residents about their reasons for wanting to live onsite. If applicants are more focused on their own healing journey, coming as a guest for an extended stay might be more supportive for them than being on staff.
Offer a trial run - Give potential residents a chance to volunteer before making a permanent move. Volunteering can help provide a sense of the space, hours, expectations, and onsite dynamics.
Financial stability - One center requires residents to be financially stable before joining the onsite community. This helps lessen stress on residents and ensures they don’t feel stuck once they’re living at the center.
Even in a city, retreat centers can feel like isolated spaces, or worlds unto themselves. Residents need regular opportunities for time away.
Change of scenery - If geography allows, encourage your resident staff to head offsite at least one day a week.
Worry-free time off - Make plans to cover for your resident staff so they don’t have to worry while they’re offsite, especially for longer stretches of time (like a vacation).
Wherever there are people, there is the potential for conflict - Even in retreat center communities, people may not see eye to eye. It’s vital to have systems in place for staff to communicate and resolve tensions before they develop into serious issues.
Monthly sharing sessions - One center offers sessions where one person speaks at a time and everyone listens, holding the sharing in a non-judgmental space.
Triangulation - If two people have conflict, a third party is brought in to moderate.
Training - Centers might want to consider training staff on methods for conflict mediation and de-escalation. These skills can be helpful in a variety of circumstances.
Give it time - Living at a retreat center has a different rhythm and cadence than mainstream life. Allow time for residents to find their footing. If there’s an established community of residents onsite, full integration of new staff members can sometimes take years. To help smooth transitions, offer activities that give all staff members (whether they live onsite or not) the chance to get to know one another, grow, and connect in fun and meaningful ways.
Staff connections - Schedule regular weekends for staff to work on building trust and community.
Make room for fun - Schedule a regular “fun night” and invite staff to take turns being in charge of a fun community event.
Shared activities - Share meditation and mealtimes.
Address isolation - If your resident staff member is the only one onsite, offer regular opportunities for them to connect with friends, family, and nearby communities. Assist with transportation where needed and appropriate.
Boundaries
Retreat center life can be deep, meaningful, and rewarding, but that doesn’t mean staff will always want to be on call. Work together to establish boundaries, name them clearly, and navigate tender conversations respectfully. This isn’t a “one-and-done” process.
Boundaries are dynamic and contextual. Conversations about them should always be in play, and responsive to change.
It may be challenging to draw a tight boundary within communities that are going deep into contemplative practice, but here are some suggestions from the panel:
What’s in the job description? - Develop clarity around what staff members are being paid for and what they are not being paid for.
Set a schedule - Structure and routine are your friends. Set clear start and cutoff times—e.g., no work allowed after 9 p.m.
Respect time off - Protect staff members’ time off and hold questions for later. Even having to make a boundary while you’re off-the-clock is stepping into a work role. It’s a gift when on-the-clock staff step in to protect that space.
Communications hygiene - Develop a reliable system of communication and make sure all staff understand what method of communication is appropriate depending on the circumstances—e.g., email is used for all communication the center wants a record of, codes like “SOS” and “FYI” denote the level of urgency, conflict via text or email is not permitted (problems should be addressed face-to-face).
Check for bias - Be aware of biased expectations based on perceived identity markers—e.g., women often take (or are put into) the “mother” role, whether they want it or not.
Outside support - A director who lives onsite may find that their opinions become “law.” This may make it difficult for directors to speak candidly with the people they live with. Create an outside support committee that can help onsite directors speak their mind and make tough decisions without impacting onsite relationships.
Recognize the limitations of limited staff - Work within your resources and approach the board to make needed changes for the sake of physical and mental health.
Finding Your Center’s Rhythm
For retreat centers in particular, there can be a sharp contrast between the restful space held for guests and the demands placed on leadership and staff. It may be their passion to keep the center vital and functioning, but it can be all too easy for demands to fall heavily on the shoulders of a few, especially those who live onsite.
Panelists suggested the need for more conversation around the concepts of “busy-ness” and “productivity,” understanding there will always be times of greater effort and lesser effort. When properly tended, rest and activity arise naturally from each other in a seasonal, cyclical fashion. Centers may want to examine the unique “cycles of effort” at their centers, leaving room to envision rest as an integral part of effective and meaningful work.
Thank You to the Panelists
We’re grateful to Karen McAllister from Clear Sky, Larry Jay from Rolling Ridge, Billy Mark from Selah House, Marc Weiss former director of the Garrison Institute, Troy and Faith Bierma from The Hermitage Community, Jen Newman from Beacon Hill Friends House, and Jamie Deering from Welcoming House.
Each of the panel of speakers brought a unique perspective to this topic, sharing wisdom from their community members, traditions, and lived experiences. This conversation is ongoing and full of potential. We invite you to share your thoughts in the comments below or join us on Facebook to keep the conversation rolling.
Notes and Audio
Follow the link below to access PDFs, audio, and additional meeting notes.
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